Love

Memories worth lasting.
Memories that buoy thoughts and emotions.

ROADTRIP

R -espite
O -ccasion
A -new
D-estine
T -itilating
R -elish
I -ndispensable
P -ause.

Explanation of Myself

It has been said many times, that I take too much interest in sharing my thoughts with people and inquiring as to theirs. Perhaps that is my perception of drawing them closer into my realm, as well as achieving an insight into theirs, through discussion.

I feel that in order for someone to truly understand my logics, they must first perceive the way in which I arrive at such. There seems in some people, an astute rebellion at times, to allowing ones mind to truly search and to receive vital information with which to be able to draw a vivid and detailed account of that which is being presented.

Does life not hold such an astounding array of diverse situations and equally diverse accountances for each?

To ponder through life only on the verge of the true meanings, is to me, to leave such an expansive gaping hollow that one could not possibly hope to achieve a true understanding. Thereby, I feel I am just, in my perception, that one must dutifully accept the fact that in order to ascertain the basis of a subject one must acquire as much knowledge on the subject as is available.

Hence, as some would declare, my insufferable questions and answers...

Feelings

I want you to understand that I want to run my fingers down your cheek, look into your eyes and by way of my thoughts instill in you that you are the most important thing in my world. If only it could be as easy and simple as that, but I have to put in words what you being next to me means to me. It means that my eyes tear when thinking about it. It means that you go deep inside me and touch places that I thought were hidden. It means that once again I have found a love that I can call special and cherish for all time because it has the feeling of being mine to sustain me. I may take great liberties with this love I call mine, but I do so out of selfishness of wanting to be able to call upon it at any moment whenever I feel threatened by life and feel the need to have you hold me up. I do not mean to take more than you mean for me to have, it's just that I want to know that I can, if I should need, take liberties and know that the love will still be there.

You once asked me, "what is it you want me to understand." Perhaps I should have tried then to tell you, yet at that moment you really didn't care to know, you were mad. Mad that I wanted again to discuss our life. A life you were all too comfortable in and not willing to admit, to anyone much less yourself, that there were problems. You chose to ignore. I chose to let you. "I chose to let you" are words that have come back time and again in my thoughts.

We pick the pieces of our lives over and over in our heads and still do not know why we do things as we do. What made me think I should be any different. That I could find an answer, that there would be an answer.

There are no answers, only solutions. Solutions that allow us to go forward and tell ourselves that all will be well.

There is an inner feeling of warmth you get when you believe in what you are doing. That wash of ego that says all is well. How deceitful this feeling can be at times. If only we could see without emotion or touch without being detected. If only we could feel totally open to get as close as we want and not fear the truth of "maybe I shouldn't." If only we could express our inner thoughts in actions and not worry about offending or invading privacy.

We are told throughout life to trust our feelings and they will guide us through. The reality we seldom hear is that these same feelings are surrounded by a myriad of emotions and that we must first weed through and discard these emotions in order for us to truly "feel." What remains is honest and true feeling, which we can then trust to guide us.

There is no solace in knowing that only "after" we have experienced many misguided directions from our "feelings" that we become aware of the fleece that our emotions are encompassed in. Only then are we compelled to try to dispel this cloak and venture on in life with renewed insight into ourselves. The dispiriting reality though is that we find ourselves time and again making decisions before we have taken the time to go through the steps needed to insure that we are making a right decision. We all want to believe that we have ourselves under control and are making good and rational decisions in all that we do. The truth however, is that we fall back into making decisions cloaked in emotions.

Summer 1999

Course of Actions

Jingle, jangle, jumble...life becomes a tumble.
Think, thank, treasure...now it's something of measure.

Exploding Thought

No matter the strife that you deal with in life, it's the mindset you choose that determines the length of your fuse.

What To Do

What to do , What to do, What to do.
a, at, hat, toad, that, odd,thaw,wood, dot, had, tad, woo, too, data, wad, haw, ta da!

Today's The Day!

Everyday is the day to begin to make your life what you want it to be. It's the perpetual rhythm you choose that relegates the fruition of the timing of your successes. Mom, Mom II, Mommie